Footsteps in the Darkness
by fandragon
Summary: The grey line between friends and lovers. A MD story...
1. Chapter 1

Footsteps in the Dark

His hands pressed urgently against the taught muscles of her stomach and she felt her skin erupt in shivers. Soft lips, hungry tongues groping in the darkness, she pulled him close with the ecstasy of passion. It burnt through her thighs, her belly, she could feel him throbbing against her and helplessly, she released a moan into the night as he slipped inside her. Violently, she met his thrusts as together they moved towards the climax, clenching tight she felt him come within her, just as she too reached that sweaty peak. Unable to control herself any longer, she felt her teeth clamp around the firm muscles of his shoulder as her body relaxed in spasms of lust.

It was a good thing they were friends.

Meredith knew it was wrong. She didn't need the reproachful looks of her roommates over breakfast or the strained smiles of his wife to tell her that. She knew it was wrong, but she couldn't stop, and neither, it seemed, could he.

So it was Meredith Grey had transformed from the inadvertent, innocent mistress to the hard core adulteress. Looking back, she tried to pinpoint exactly when it had changed, when it had all become so fundamentally wrong. Was it that night in the on call room, when, both crushed by the failed surgery of a little girl, they had clung to each other in that secret misery no other person could understand. Had it been before that, those furtive glances in so many corridors, across patient beds, in elevators, or perhaps, it all went back to that first night at Joes.

It was too late, what ever point at which this thing had started, they had passed it long ago, and here was Meredith Grey, in her own bed, in her own house, at three o'clock in the morning with a married man in her arms. In the moonlight she could see the gentle rise and fall of his chest. It was these moments, when he managed to find the peace of sleep that she would lie awake, hating herself for what they did. Like so many nights previously, she slipped from under the covers and groped her way downstairs to the darkened kitchen.

Without switching on the light, Meredith felt her way to the pantry and grasped for a fresh bottle of tequila, it was only after she had closed the cupboard door and taken her first gulp that she realised she wasn't alone.

"Jesus Meredith," His voice was soft, and though she couldn't see him, she could feel the tears pricking at the corners of his eyes.

"George," Her reply was tight whisper, a confused mixture of surprise and defensive anger which stems from the fear of being caught. Instinctively, she pushed the bottle behind her back, unsure as to how much he could see.

She thought she could hear him coming closer, a soft shuffling movement from the direction of the kitchen table. At last she felt him gently take her wrists in his hands, and ply the bottle from between her fingers. Irrational as it was, she couldn't stop the small, pained whine that left her with the alcohol, like an injured animal or small child whose safety blanket is taken away.

"Not tonight." No matter what this was costing him, his words were firm. For a split second she attempted to pretend this didn't concern her, but there was the gaping hole in her stomach, the guilt eating her from the inside.

"Please," She whispered it, like a plea, like a prayer.

"Not tonight." And she didn't stop the tears as they tricked down her cheeks, where no one could see them. Silently, she understood, and she turned to crawl back to her bed.

The next morning, Derek was not surprised to find Meredith still asleep. She always was and secretly, it broke his heart to smell the liquor on her breath, the unsteady, groggy movements of her hangover. Did it really cost her that much just to hold him. As he did every morning, before she returned to that painful world of her consciousness, Derek leaned over the woman he loved and kissed her forehead.

"I love you Meredith Grey." Then he pulled on the crumpled clothes he had worn the day before and placed four aspirin tablets next to her permanent water glass. A sad smile flickered across his face before he crept out of her bedroom, out of her house, and back to the woman he married.

The only difference, was this morning, she heard him.


	2. Bawling with the Babies

Hey guys, just a few things I probably should have mentioned before the start of the last chapter - I don't own Grey's Anatomy (supprising I know!) Anyway, I didn't really explain the context of this fic, it's set after Addison turns up, pretty much where the series is up to with the few key differences being that Derek and Meredith are having an affair and that George and Meredith haven't slept together (yet... lol). I hope you enjoy it - please leave lots of lovely reviews because they are really helpful to read. I don't know about other writers, but I'm not one of those plan-the-whole-story out kind of people. I usually only know a little ahead of where I'm actually writing, so reviews often affect my plots.

* * *

Bawling with the Babies

"Meredith, you look like shit." Alex glanced at her crumpled figure before turning to open his locker.

"Thanks a lot." She opened her eyes from where sat, slouched against the locker-room wall. "You really know how to make a girl feel good about herself. No wonder Izzy's ignoring you."

Alex shrugged. He was used to this acid banter. Sometimes it was the easiest way to talk, especially to Meredith. At least they both knew what it felt like to be on the outside. "She'll get over it." There was tremor of doubt in his words as he remembered the way Izzy's eyes softened when she held Denny's hand.

"Sure she will." Meredith tried to give him an encouraging smile, but it felt as though the facial muscles required had been paralysed and all through the silence of the morning, Derek's words repeated themselves inside her mind. _I love you Meredith Grey_.

At that moment, their brief comradeship was shattered by Christina's dramatic entry. As usual she had arrived excessively early – in case, by some strange accident of fate, another intern in the program decided they were going to steal her place as the super-super-committed-workaholic.

"I don't believe it!" She ranted, stomping loudly towards her locker. "Of all the overly-sentimental, numb-skulled idiots…" Suddenly, seeing Meredith under the full impact of the fluorescent lights she halted into what was becoming the morning ritual of complaining about life. "God Mer, you look like shit."

Before Alex could insert his "told you so", Meredith let out a strangled groan, and, heaving to her feet, stormed out of the room.

"What?" Christina demanded, "I was just saying."

Rounds that morning were a tense affair. Meredith may have avoided breakfast, leaving for work before either of her housemates was awake, but she couldn't avoid them forever and as the group trailed after Dr. Bailey she could feel George's eyes wearing into the back of her head.

Oblivious to this silent pursuit the others marched on in their various states of sleep deprivation, each carrying their own concerns. At last, Bailey rounded on the small flock to hand out the daily assignments.

"O'Malley, you're with Dr. Shepherd. Stevens, you and Karev are with Burk, Grey, Montgomery-Shepherd, and you Yang, are lucky enough to score me." The interns paused for a moment, each assessing their fortune for the day. Meredith let a small sigh escape. Fists clenched she told herself she had the strength to do this. It had been over a month since the older woman had asked to work with her. "Well what y'all waiting for?" With Bailey' voice still ringing in their ears they hurried off.

Meredith felt her feet slow as she made her way towards the neonatal wing. She could hear the high pitched crying of sick babies and she wondered whether anyone would notice if she joined them.

At last, she caught sight of the long crimson hair, burning against the back of a white lab-coat. She glanced at her hands and saw that they were trembling as she made her way through the labyrinth of cots. Hearing her approach, Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd spun around, a new-born in her arms.

Terrified, Meredith tried to focus all her attention on the patient. A little boy according to the hospital tag, he was tiny. Shorter than the length of her forearm, his face red and blotchy, eyes still closed and little lips, stretched wide, gulping in lungfuls of air.

"Dr. Grey," Addison wasn't entirely sure what had possessed her to request Meredith today, but her husband had slept at the 'hospital' again last night. Addison wasn't an idiot. She knew her marriage had got about as bad as was humanly possible, but she still hoped that they were faithful. Faithful to this memory of happiness – the only thing they still shared.

Passing the little boy to Meredith, she almost smiled as the infant, confused by the change, burst into an indignant howling. The younger woman rocked the child and talked to it, but the baby continued to cry, at last, in desperation, Meredith kissed him gently on the pink top of his little bald head. To the astonishment of both women, the baby lapsed into hickuppy silence.

Addison glanced at Meredith, and, she wasn't sure what mad impulse drove her to ask what she had been silently asking for so long, she whispered, "Are you still screwing my husband?"


	3. Notinvolvedwithanintern Sane

Hey guys, thanks so much for the reviews, I know I'm mean, but I haven't answered the cliff-hanger from the end of chapter two. Call me mean, but sometimes these things just have to be done. Anyway, this is a little expanssion of all the other things happening in the corridores of SGH... hope you enjoy, and even if you don't, please leave a review.

* * *

George O'Malley wasn't aggressive by nature. In fact, it had taken him twenty-six years to shoot his first thanksgiving turkey, and that was from seven meters away. No, George just didn't have that killer confidence that seemed to stem so easily from people like Christina and Alex. He caught up with Dr. Shepherd on the fourth floor and together they entered the patient's room.

The man was been prepped for surgery – a benign tumour on the brain. After explaining the procedure, George tried to slip from the room. He no longer felt comfortable with Dr. Shepherd, not after the things he heard, the things he knew happened, night after night.

Beating a quick retreat towards the interns' locker room he halted as he heard the attending's voice. "Dr. O'Malley, can I have a quick word?" Slowly George turned. Yes, this was another one of those moments when he was about to let someone walk all over him. "Do you have a problem working with me Dr. O'Malley?" Caught off guard by the directness of the question, George almost fell into a meaningless denial.

He glanced at the other man's face. It was a cross between accusation, confused hurt, and, was it fear? George exhaled slowly. It was about time somebody did something. He may not be the man in Meredith's bed each night, but he was the one who watched her wake each morning, a little deader than the day before. He was the one who held her hands when they wouldn't stop shaking, and bought packet after packet of aspirin until the chemist thought he must be running a drug store of his own. It was time someone did something.

"Yes, Dr. Shepherd, I do have a problem."

* * *

"Izzy, I know you're really mad, I know you probably don't want to talk to me ever again," Alex jogged down the corridor, trying to keep up with Izzy's footsteps. He tried not to be phased by her icy gaze or the way her face turned straight ahead, he hoped that somehow, his words would penetrate the wall she was building up between them. "But please Izzy, just think about it. You might not believe it, but I've never felt this way about anyone before."

At that moment, the pair was forced to stop as Olivia, wheeling a long trolley turned it around in the middle of the corridor. Izzy glanced at the nurse, then at Alex. With a look of distain she squeezed past the trolley and virtually ran into Dr. Burk.

"Glad you could join us Dr. Karev," Burk raised an eyebrow as Alex came panting up seconds later. "Today we'll be performing assessing Mr…"

"Denny," Izzy let the slightly panicked name slip between her lips before she could stop it. Burk and Alex glanced at her, then at each other. Together, and for totally different reasons, the three of them sighed. Today was going to be a long day.

* * *

Christina loved working with Bailey. Sure, she was only a resident and the others were all with attendings, but Bailey was sane. Sane in the no-emotions-attached, not-involved-with-interns kind of sane that Christina loved. Together the pair had been efficiently and effectively moving through their prescribed patients, and just when Christina thought she might even make it through the shift devoid of emotional baggage, she heard the hushed but clearly irate voices of George O'Malley and Derek Shepherd.

"O'Malley, my personal life is none of your business." Derek hissed, furtively glancing to check there were no nurses, and even more importantly, no wives hanging around.

"Look Dr. Shepherd, your right, your marriage isn't my business, but Meredith is. Can't you see it's killing her. Last night…" He couldn't even articulate what had happened last night. Almost as though the blackness of the kitchen had stolen his memories and turned them into poisonous secrets. "All I'm saying is, you better do something to fix it or…" He came to a halt.

"Or what?" Derek whispered back.

"Is there a problem here Dr. Shepherd?" Bailey placed a hand on Christina's shoulder and she nearly jumped out of her skin. As did George and Shepherd with almost comic shock.

"Not at all Dr. Bailey," Derek suppressed his fluster and turned to George, Dr. O'Malley and I were just discussing the treatment of a patient. George, slower to suppress his rarely revealed emotions was still silently spluttering.

"In that case, you won't mind if we swap interns." And with a roll of her eyes, and a glare of his, George and Christina changed places. "So," said Dr. Bailey as she and George retreated back the way she had just come, "Which patient were you and Dr. Shepherd so passionately discussing?"


	4. Bazooka Kisses

Hey guys, I know I held out a little in the last chapter by ignoring Meredith and Addison completely but really, it was just because I wasn't quite sure what to do about them. I mean, what on earth would you do in Meredith's possition! Anyway, I've come up with something and although you'll probably read it and at first you'll think it's a bit of a cop out and then you'll get to the end and you'll be thinking... OMG! So, it's a little bit unusual, but give it a go... and yes, the last line means that something significant has happened concerning Meredith which you don't know about yet. Enjoy - and don't forget to leave a review...

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_Are you still screwing my husband?_

For an agonizing moment the question hung between them like an unexploded bomb, but given the choice, Meredith would have taken a bazooka any day. The world came to a sickening halt. Almost detached, she felt the bile rising in the back of her throat, her hands, which until this moment had been shaking gently were positively convulsing now. It was as thought all the blood in her tiny body had evaporated in one nauseating moment.

"Just lie!" She could almost hear her subconscious yelling from somewhere within her paralysed body, but it wasn't that simple. Addison was standing right in front of her with big, pleading eyes, begging her to say Derek was faithful. Begging her to say the man they loved was worth it.

He wasn't. She knew just how un-worth-it he was. She could feel the scratchiness at the back of her throat where spirits had worn away the warmth, the emptiness in her eyes where once they had sparkled. She knew just how un-worth-it he was and she knew that it didn't matter, because she loved him.

Maybe, maybe if George had let her have that one last drink she might have managed it, but as it was, it was taking all her concentration to merely remain upright. She clutched the child in her arms, wondering desperately why it didn't start screaming again and save her from this agonizing moment but the little boy was sleeping peacefully against her racing heart.

"I…" She what? She had no idea what was about to come out of her mouth.

"Dr. Grey?" At the sound of a male voice both women jumped, spinning in time to face the curious form of Alex Karev, slouched in the door frame. His lips twitched in amusement as Meredith and Addison exchanged a tense glance, trying to work out just how much he'd over-heard. "Dr. Grey," He repeated, the essence of professionalism, "Dr. Bailey needs to speak with you – urgently, she's in room 3427."

He watched as Meredith carefully placed the little boy back in Addison's arms, then disappeared towards the elevators. Addison stood, child held to her breast and it struck him – she'd never looked so alone.

"Why do you wait?" His voice was surprisingly gentle, and the tears which had gathered in the corners of her eyes threatened to spill over her perfect, foundation-covered cheeks.

When she didn't answer, he took a step forward. Then another, and before he knew quite what was pushing him on, he was standing in the spot Meredith had left seconds before. Still silent, the woman before him raised her big blue eyes and in them, he saw all the hurt of rejection he knew so well.

Alex, dickhead, evil spawn, jerk Alex let his hand rest on Addison's shoulder, and it was as though this little human contact brought down the last wall of her defenses. She felt herself melt into the strong sinew of his arms. Head pressed against hard wall of his chest, she finally cried for the man she had lost.

Perhaps if babies could speak, they would have told how an attending and an intern held eachother like they were the only two people in the world, but babies don't talk and the only gossip buzzing around cafeteria tables that lunch time was, once again, about Meredith Grey.


	5. Cupboard Love

Well, this is it, a sort of answer to some of the questions (not very conclussive I know) but anyway, this explains why people were talking about Meredith. I am considering whether or not this should be the last chapter. There are still a lot of unresolved issues so it doesn't have to be, but it really depends on what you guys think/want... So leave a review and tell me whether you want them (and me) to keep going or if you'd rather quit while they're ahead... lol...

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Cupboard Love

Have you ever swum to the bottom of the lake, ready to bring back that proof full of sand? Can you remember the feeling on the way back up, when you see the light dancing through the waves above? Your lungs, burn like they're filled with acid and your muscles ache like they're clamped in place, but you kick even harder in blind panic towards that first breath of air.

Meredith tilted back her head and gulped it down. Her air from the bottle and she waited as it spread to her stinging eyes, to her heavy heart, and she didn't care as her throat caught fire, cause this was the price of peace.

Greedy as that little girl in the lake so many years before, she swallowed hard and gasped for more and more until reality slid down the wall of the linen closet. She slid down the wall of the linen closet, into a darkness without cheating, or pain, or guilt, or love.

* * *

That's where he found her. Shaking amongst the sheets, three bottles taken from her locker now lay empty at her feet. At first he thought she was dead. Irrational, blind panic overtook him and he leant forward to grab her, but she wasn't dead. Well, she was still breathing, but it felt as though her heart might have stopped months ago. Blearily, terrified by light and noise coming through the open door, she tried to pull away. 

Carefully, he closed the door. Sinking to the floor beside her he waited.

The closet was uncomfortable to say the least. Somewhere amongst the spirits, Meredith had thrown up and the stench of vomit was overwhelming in the small space. Still he could be nowhere as nauseous and she must be feeling, so he held her hand as the tremors gripped her and he whispered meaningless words as the tears trickled over her cheeks and he wrapped his arms about her as the pain pierced her stomach. He grasped her hair as she vomited again and again and at last, he held her as she fell asleep.

Somehow, in that putrid little cupboard he found a pain and a love he had never imagined possible. No night had ever lasted like that one, where every set of footsteps walking past set his heart on edge, every moan from her tiny form was another little twist.

He thought over everything that had lead up to this moment. An angry Christina trailing, he had seen her heading down the corridor to where Bailey stood, George at her side.

"Grey, I'd like a private word please." Bailey, usually good with tact was furious, she didn't even send away O'Malley, or Yang, then, catching site of Derek, her frown had deepened. "Look, I might not approve of what you do in your free time…"

It had happened at that moment. As though Meredith had been bottling up her feelings for months, as though, somehow, this public humiliation-confrontation-interrogation had just made her snap.

"I'm sorry." She shouted and by then half the nurses had gathered around the ends of the corridor. "I'm sorry for not being a better friend," Her eyes wandered to George, "And for not being my mother," she glanced to where Bailey and Webber stood, "and I'm sorry for falling in love with a man who's already married. I've tried to sleep, God," she laughed through the tears, "I've even tried to be celibate, but I can't help it, this is who I am."

* * *

When Meredith woke the next morning, she was in her own bed. Someone had washed the vomit off her face and out of her hair, and they had dressed her in her own clothes. They had placed four aspirin next to her permanent glass of water and a bucket next to her bed, and crazy as it was, for a moment, through the world's worst hangover, she thought that maybe, just maybe, things would turn out alright. 


End file.
